Tuesday, July 7, 2020

“Smiley Takes Over The World”






BENTONVILLE, AR (RL)- Eager to fix its battered reputation, The Wal-Mart Corporation today announced that it and Dreamworks Animation planned to create a movie based on the popular “Smiley” character that rolls back prices in the discount giant’s commercials.

“We are eager to show the world that we are not the type of company that our detractors portray us as being,” noted Wal-Mart spokesman Hugh Spitzer, “We might take advantage of our employees and shut down local businesses, but we certainly don’t enjoy doing it. Besides, don’t you like only paying eighty eight cents for a two liter bottle of generic cola?”

The film will be entirely animated and feature the excitable Smiley as he protects his Wal-Mart store from union organizers, hostile community members, OSHA inspectors and any others who stand in Wal-Mart’s way of providing so-called “Every Day Low Prices”. “We’ve seen him use lots of devices to lower prices in the past- whips, sledgehammers, knives, etc. I would imagine he’d find those handy in his war against the hippies and communists who don’t like Wal-Mart,” noted the spokesman.

Many Hollywood observers were surprised that Dreamworks Animation would undertake such a project, but as Dreamworks head Jeffrey Katzenberg explained, “This is a no-brainer for us. We are excited to bring the Wal-Mart Smiley into the same enchanted world of Shrek and the Donkey,” he noted, “Besides, they threatened to stop selling our DVDs, so that sealed the deal.”

Wal-Mart and Dreamworks Animation were reluctant to provide too many details about the movie but did mention that Smiley’s main enemy will be a female character named “Commy U. Nion”. Joining Commy will be her team of villains, most of whom are government bureaucrats. “The message we want to give the next generation of children is that Smiley will take over the world eventually, so you should just roll over and accept it,” noted the Wal-Mart spokesman. When asked to provide further comment, Mr. Katzenberg merely shook his head and took another swig from his flask.

Smiley Takes Over the World will begin production immediately and feature the voices of Kathie Lee Gifford, Tom Selleck, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. Despite the fact that production hadn’t yet started, the FOX News Channel already gave the movie its highest rating of five stars. “I haven’t seen this movie yet,” noted the FOX News reviewer, “But I think the movie is as good if not better than The Passion of the Christ because that’s what the RNC wants us to say.” A release date has not yet been set.