The Girl in Gold Boots!

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While some B-Film producers like George Weiss had no delusions about how their films would be received by audiences, other “auteurs” often imagined that Hollywood would bow before them and audiences would be amazed and delighted by their small films. Certainly, some lesser budgeted films would occasionally outperform expectations, but most of these lower tier films would often get forgotten for decades until Mystery Science Theater 3000 or ironic hipsters would rediscover and embrace these types of films. One such film that obviously held higher hopes for blockbuster status was 1968’s Girl in Gold Boots.


Everything and everyone involved in this film appeared to be covered in a thin layer of grime. Set in a Charles Manson era Hollywood, the film seeks to warn us about Hollywood’s seedy underbelly by showing it to us. The film pretends that its goal isn’t to titillate us with countless scenes of writhing go go dancers, but rather to educate us about its pitfalls. To do this, the film depicts scantily clad women performing in a joint that appears to be the last barely legitimate job available to aspiring actresses before they were forced to resort to stripping or pornography. 


This B-Film used a well-worn filmmaking strategy that had been pioneered by films such as Reefer Madness and I Accuse My Parents; claim your film was just trying to show how terrible drugs, debauchery and recklessness were and you can show some of it in your film. Audiences that were too embarrassed to go to a stag film or titty bar would have no problems going to see one of these films. After all, how would we know how bad these things were unless someone showed them to us? Keep in mind, there were still certain restrictions on what could be shown or how much skin could be bared, but at least audiences could get a glimpse. Such films filled the role of a Hooters today- too embarrassed to be seen at the gentleman’s club? Head over to Hooters!


In this instance, however, the producers of Girl in Gold Boots had loftier goals than just producing a movie that would satisfy low grade pervs who didn’t want to be caught going to a strip club or porno Theater. They wanted to build a movie franchise. Despite the film’s bad songs, poor acting and overall sheen of sleaziness, a tie in album was produced that obviously anticipated the huge demand that never arrived. Despite spending as many dimes as they could scrape together for promotional purposes, the film and its soundtrack never became a thing.


“So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?”
- Mike Nelson

Xanadu!

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In 1980, Olivia Newton John was one of the world's biggest stars and Electric Light Orchestra was one of its biggest musical groups. Imagine if these two talents joined forces with a retired Hollywood legend? Universal Studios hoped that these elements would mean big bucks at the box office.


A Movie Made in Hollywood Accountant Heaven

Originally given a low budget, the film became a potential blockbuster as soon as Ms. John, ELO and Gene Kelly became interested in it. Universal increased the budget accordingly and began getting high hopes for its potential. The extra money was all up there on the screen, as expensive visual effects were added to give the movie a more ethereal quality.


Trust us, these were amazing special effects back in 1980!


Um, yeah, amazing...

When all was said and done, Universal discovered that putting Olivia Newton John and ELO together made a hugely profitable soundtrack that broke sales records around the world. Unfortunately, slapping together a film from a low budget script and loosely integrated songs would make a terrible movie even with a popular soundtrack. Even adding a touch of class couldn't help this tragedy.


Easily the classiest thing in a classless movie.

Other than Gene Kelly, only Joe Mantegna would leave this film with his dignity intact, and that was because Joe's scenes were cut from the film.


Sorry, Olivia, you can try to hide your face, but we still know it's you.



Olivia, honey, it would help if you looked in the same direction as the rest of the cast...

The film was so notoriously bad that it, along with the even worse Can't Stop the Music, inspired the creation of the Razzie Awards, which dishonors the worst of Hollywood. It would lose out to the aforementioned Village People picture for worst film, though that was probably an award it was happy to lose. In the end, money was lost, careers were tarnished, but sadly no lessons were learned. 

The vintage Pan Pacific Auditorium was probably the biggest loser in all of this. Having fallen on hard times, the movie's producers hoped that the success of this film would spark interest in the crumbling building. It actually sealed the building's fate. The building remained vacant until it burned down under suspicious circumstances just days after Florida's Disney-MGM Studios had its grand opening, featuring ticket booths inspired by the original auditorium. Sadly, the release of Xanadu would still be the worst thing that ever happened to the building.


Let this be a warning to you kids- drugs are bad, m'kay?

Quote Weekends

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Fake Films!

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Fake Films!

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